Father of the Bride Wedding Guidance

A New Book for the Father of the Bride

Ken York — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:22:00 GMT

My book is out. Below is the press release.

Rum Runner Publishing releases the Father of the Bride Wedding Guide a homerun hitting guide for the father. Written by Ken York who is an acclaimed travel writer and author of Men of the Wedding – The Final Week. This guide is a must read for any father who wants to give his little girl the wedding of her dreams while avoiding bankruptcy afterwards.

This fact-filled handbook is a comprehensive guide to the duties and responsibilities of the father of the bride. Included is a detailed guide to giving wedding speeches with sample speeches for fathers of the bride. This is a grand occasion and joyous event. For many, this is going to be the ONLY such event in their lifetime. This is your opportunity to make a grand success of your daughter's wedding and this guide will get you there.

When author Ken York started planning his daughter's wedding, he was clear about one thing: he did not want to limit himself to writing checks and just being supportive. He realized that he would be spending more money on the wedding than he did when buying his first house and car combined. So, he wanted to enjoy, participate and assist wherever he could with his daughter's wedding. So, if your daughter is getting married or if your father is clueless about what he needs to do on your big day, help is just a book away. Take it from a father who has given his daughter the best gift ever – the wedding of the season!

Purchase this key how to guide from: RumRunnerPubs.com (Print and Ebook Versions available), Amazon.com, or BarnesAndNoble.com.

Scope Creep in Weddings

Ken York — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:15:00 GMT

In the program management world, we have the term ‘scope creep.’ It generally refers to your customer asking for something else that is beyond your original agreement. This same phenomena occurs with weddings.

Mike, a friend of mine whose daughter is now married, told me the story of how it occurred with his daughter’s wedding. His daughter came out of the dressing room wearing a thousand dollar dress that looked similar to a potato sack. She asked how it looked. He admitted that it was not very flattering. The next time she came out of the dressing room she looked as beautiful and radiant as a bride should be. Mike said, “That’s the dress for you.”

It turned out that the new dress was $3,000. Mike suffered sticker shock as his daughter scheduled her fitting. I don’t know if Mike’s daughter planned tricking her father into the more expensive dress, or if this was a bridal shop upgrade ploy, or if it just happened. It doesn’t matter. This is what can happen on any of a hundred different expenses tied to a wedding. You’ll be asked questions such as, “Would you like white cloth chair covers for all the chairs at the reception to protect the bride’s dress and give an elegant look?”

Unless they are planning on using dirty chairs, this probably is not necessary. If you want to be on the safe side, just get chair covers for the bridal party, not every guest.

Your best defense against scope creep is a clearly defined budget at the beginning. No matter whether you have $5,000, $10,000, or even $100,000 to spend on the wedding create a budget. If you are using a wedding planner then he or she can help you establish the budget. Get everyone to agree on the budget. Now when your daughter says that she really likes the dress that costs $200 more than you budgeted, you can remind her that the $200 needs to come off somewhere else on the budget.

A point of consideration. For some daughters or wives when you point out that they are over budget they will say, “Fine, I’ll pay for the extra out of my own pocket.” Let them! Ask them if that will be cash or check? Otherwise there is a tendency to forget about all the little extra things that they agreed to pay for after a while, and you get stuck with the bill. If the money actually has to be brought out and put on the table, it becomes more real.

The Wedding Has Happened

Ken York — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 14:54:00 GMT

Well, we did it. Our daughter is married. For those of you that may not have read my other blogs, the wedding happened in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We rented the Villa Mia (villamia2.com), Casa Gran Dia, and multiple hotel rooms at the Casa Iguana Hotel. All of these places are south of Puerto Vallarta in Mismoloya. We rented the villas for five days and used the owner of the Casa Gran Dia, Vanina, as our wedding coordinator. Vanina’s mother owns the Villa Mia, so we didn’t have a problem getting the two staffs to work together flawlessly.

Five days turned out to be a perfect amount of time to both prepare for the wedding and to relax after the wedding. It also gave us the time to stage a mini-family reunion in conjunction with the effort. If you ever decide to do a foreign destination wedding, encourage your guests to get passports instead of trying to use birth certificates and wedding licenses, etc. One guest got to spend several hours as a guest of the Mexican government until they decided that she was just a tourist with money to spend.

We had 60 guests for the five days. The villas were perfect and came with their own staff (18 in total). All of the staff were super attentive and made our stay extraordinary. During the wedding itself, there was one staff member who would pop up at my side with a fresh drink any time that my glass got down to the bottom third. It was an unbelievable time. In total we spent about $60,000 for the villas, hotels, food and drinks for five days for everyone. That also includes about a half dozen airline tickets from the states to Puerto Vallarta and back to include two first class tickets for my wife and myself. If you are doing this treat yourself first class. It helps to be pampered going and coming. My wife had enough stress without trying to fit into the back of the airplane with a wedding dress.

The $60,000 is higher than the $41,000 average for a wedding in the Washington, D.C. area where we live, or the $26,000 national average, but it was a five-day party with everything included for the 60 guests, as compared to a one day event in the D.C. area. In my upcoming book, I will give you all the details to include where to save money. It is about what we would have paid if we had taken everyone to an all-inclusive resort for a week, but because we had the villas to ourselves, no one had to compete for any resort amenities. Everything was ours for the week. Also, since I am a cigar smoker, I could smoke cigars to my heart’s content with no evil looks from anyone.

The wedding itself was spectacular and included a 10-piece Mariachi band that was as good as anything I’ve seen at the . The food for the whole week was absolutely the best to include a lobster night. All of it was freshly prepared and no one got sick from the food at the villa. Guest after guest said that this wedding was the finest wedding that they have ever been to. The baker and florist who supported the event made a cake and bouquets that were exact replicas of pictures that we sent down as suggestions. The more information that you provide your wedding coordinator, the easier it is for that person to understand exactly what it is that you want.

Enjoy the photos and let me know what you think. I hope to have my book finished by the end of December to help other Fathers of the Bride provide the wedding that they want for their daughters.

Cult of the Sea King and Weddings

Ken York — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 14:12:00 GMT

Cult of the Sea King and Weddings

Sorry for not posting for a while, I’ve just finished shooting a fun, sci-fi, low-budget film, “Cult of the Sea King.” (www.nothingevil.com) A couple of pictures are below. It was a lot of fun and I got to play the Police Chief who has come under the spell of the Sea King Robot. My family is looking forward to it because in my final scene my head blows up. They’ll probably sit around watching that on loop for hours on end.

The wedding continues to go well. We’ve sent out a wedding update newsletter. We’re letting people make their way from the airport to the villa. In the newsletter I put directions to the villa in both Spanish and English for the guests to give to a taxi driver. Since the wedding will be in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, we have also scheduled several tours for the five days we’ll be there. Included are a jungle to sea bicycle ride, snorkeling, canopy tour (riding down zip wires above a river), and deep sea fishing. The way we have set it up is if the guests want to participate in any tour, they have to pay for the tour. We’ll arrange the tour, but they pay for it. We made up a postcard for everyone to send back to us identifying what date they’ll be flying in and out of Puerto Vallarta and which tours they plan on going on.

I’ve also ordered business cards from Vista Printing (www.vistaprint.com), which has excellent deals (250 business cards were free and I paid for shipping: $5.25). The business cards have the same directions to the villa along with emergency phone numbers (villa and my cell phone). Everyone who comes to the villa can grab a card to stick in their wallet, so they can make it back from the market, bar, local police station, or wherever they may be visiting in the area.

Wedding Toast and Speech

Ken York — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 15:27:00 GMT

Toasts and Speeches
One of the few commonly recognized responsibilities for the father of the bride is giving a wedding day toast. You should also be prepared to give a toast at the rehearsal dinner. Here is a chance for you to shine or fall on your sword. Both happen on a regular basis on wedding days. Following the ceremony there is usually a cocktail reception that occurs while pictures are being taken of the wedding party. The bride and groom and wedding party will form a receiving line to welcome the guests into the dinning facility. The bride and groom are announced as they enter and then the toasts begin. Below is the usual order for toasts, but you don’t have to follow it.

1. Best Man
2. Fathers (groom’s then bride’s)
3. Groom
4. Bride
5. Maid/Matron of Honor
6. Mothers (groom’s then bride’s)
7. The Father of the Bride announcing the start of the meal and festivities

Personally, I prefer to have non-official toasts (everyone else) to occur periodically during the meal. The individual stands up and toasts the couple. You can help this to occur by having a relative or friend start it off sometime during the meal. Others will catch on.

Toast Notes
Don’t wing the toast. Prepare ahead of time and know what you’re going to say. Practice your toast, but do your practice standing up as you will be delivering the toast at the reception. You’ll be surprised at how fast the blood can drain out of your body as you stand up to give a toast if you haven’t practiced it. Think about what elements that you want to include in your toast. Be leery of sarcastic jokes, they have a tendency to backfire and be remembered long after the wedding. Above all, don’t build up your toast courage through mass consumption of alcohol. Too much alcohol is almost guaranteed to release any inhibitions you’re trying to keep in check on your daughter’s wedding day.

The following is a list of wedding toasting suggestions for your wedding toasts/speeches.

1. Know your toast, know what order the toasting will occur, and ensure that all concerned (the other toasters) know what order the toasts are to be given.

2. Prepare your toast ahead of time, but use your own words and speak from the heart. If you do this and you forget some of the prepared words it’s easier to continue.

3. Keep the toast within a two to three minutes timeframe. Your guests are interested, but they’re also thinking of the food being placed in front of them.

4. The toast is not a time to question your daughter’s marital choice. This is the day set to honor their joining and the joining of your families. Take the high road.

5. Remember this is a toast and not a roast. The purpose of a toast is to say something nice about the people being honored.

6. Ensure that during the toasts that you look around the room and make eye contact with others. You are one of the main stars at this event and your guests want to feel connected to you. Also take time during the dinner to walk around and thank people for coming.

Templates and Sample Toasts
What I have tried to do is to give you a concept (what information you should convey) and a sample of what that information could be. Use any or all of the suggestions here to make the toast your own.

1. Thank your guests for coming and sharing in this event and remind them what the focus of the event is.

Good evening. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves and thank you for coming. You are the people who have had a major influence on Kate and Jason as they grew up or in their adult lives. All of you have made a significant commitment to be here today. On behalf of Kathleen and Jason, Jason's mother, my wife Susan and I, we welcome you all and thank you for sharing this special day with us.

2. Recognize your new son-in-law and welcome him to the family.

Every father hopes that his daughter will some day find a man who he believes is worthy of his daughter. That is not an easy set of requirements to fulfill. In Jason, I have seen a commitment to Kate that goes well beyond any physical attraction that may have brought the two of them together. Jason has demonstrated thousands of times in his thoughts and actions that he considers Kathleen the most important person in his life. This is something that has become rare today. So I must say, I am a happy father today.

3. Recognize your new daughter, her uniqueness and present her as a new member of your son-in-law’s family.

Our daughter Kathleen is a source of happiness, good humor, and is a joy to us. She has demonstrated a strength of character that is beyond what Susan and I could ever have hoped for. On a personal note, Susan and I are pleased that her goals in life have evolved beyond her original goal of becoming a Kung Fu master in the Shaolin Wu-Tang style.

4. Congratulate the couple and wish them a happy future.

Kathleen and Jason, your life together is just starting and it will take many turns along the way. You'll have your glory days and you'll have your sad days. However, if you have each other, you will have all you need. Cling to each other, communicate with each other, and make each other number one in your lives. With these tools, you will have a successful marriage.

We love you, we cherish you and we wish you well! Congratulations!

An Interview with Ken York

Ken York — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 12:53:00 GMT

The following are some questions and answers that I went through with Mike Adamick who has a groom-related blog. Mike is a reporter and essayist whose work has appeared on National Public Radio, MSNBC.com, and in Today’s Groom Magazine. The interview follows:

Mike: You're the ex-soldier, cigar-smoking prototypical man's man it seems. So why write about, gasp, weddings?

Ken: I hate feeling like everyone is talking over my head about a subject. That’s the way I felt when my fiancée, now wife, started planning our wedding over 30 years ago and that’s how I felt when my daughter and wife started talking about her wedding this year. I remember screwing up the addresses for the wedding invitations, trying to mail merge between MS Word and Excel, something you should do when you’re in a foul mood since I guarantee you that’s the mood you’ll be in when you finish. I took my wife and daughter’s spreadsheet and pasted in whatever they had, e.g., John and Jane Smith. When they saw the envelopes you would have thought there was a turd in the pool, but then they mumbled something about, “It’s just dad.” They then banned me from my own computer. By the way the correct answer is: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Anyway, I started looking at weddings and discovered that there are 2.3 million couples getting married this year, so there should be about the same number of ‘Fathers of the Bride.’ I then looked for information/books about what a father of the bride was supposed to do. As it turns out there are two books on the subject, both written by women with one starting off, ‘Idiot’s Guide…’ Since I am investing more into this event than I did for my first house and new car combined I decided if I could just get my arms around this information and translate it into man-speak, then I might be able to parlay it into paying for this wedding. What can I say, “I’m a dreamer.”

Mike: You have a strong opinion about local weddings in a cookie cutter ballroom vs. a destination wedding in a beautiful location. Any tips for getting away while not breaking the bank?

Ken: I love to travel. Between my years in the military and since then I’ve probably gone around the world a half dozen times. Third world countries where I can live like a king are my favorite. My daughter’s wedding will be in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, which by the way I don’t consider a third world country. It is amazing the things that you can do there that you can’t do in the ‘Land of the Free.’ For instance, if I want to smoke a cigar in an elevator the only thing stopping me is either courtesy or someone bigger than me. Before everyone starts to think I’m a Communist, I’m an ex-military type who survived the Vietnam War, invasion of Grenada, Philippines Revolution, and one kidnapping attempt in Thailand. I love America, but it has gotten too politically correct for me.

As for getting away and not breaking the bank, one of the greatest deals are the all-inclusive resorts, many of which are now catering to weddings. You can let guests pick up their own tab, or you can pay for or subsidize their stay. Any time you move away from a major metropolitan area, the price will drop. Also look at unusual locations. There are many state-owned historic homes in our area that you can use for a small price. You can even rent out your local museum. At the annual Maryland Renaissance Festival you can rent out their chapel on the festival grounds for $100. Guests can gnaw on turkey legs and swill goblets of beer. My daughter didn’t go for it.

Mike: Along that line, any tips for other fathers of the bride? How can they make it through this process with their heads on straight?

Ken: About 90 percent of the advice out there for fathers of the bride is ‘be supportive and write checks.’ Down that path lies destruction. Before your wife and daughter shove second mortgage paperwork in front of you, you need to be in on the planning process. On my site I’ve gotten some comments about how these couples didn’t want their parents involved and they did everything themselves and how everybody really enjoyed the pigs-in-a-blanket at their reception. You can still let them plan it out, but I suggest you take a list of things that the bride’s family are responsible for, which is basically everything expensive except for the engagement ring, and have your daughter prioritize what is most important. You can then use that to help build a budget. Basically, your daughter needs to realize that there are limits.

Mike: What's your daughter and future son-in-law think about your blog?

Ken: I didn’t tell them initially, figuring I’d tick them off since I’m pretty honest about everything. But I did confess to my daughter about two weeks into it and she said she thinks it’s great. I don’t think she read all the posts, especially the one where I talked about her telling me that I had to pay for her wedding. I haven’t heard from my future son-in-law yet, but they live up in New York, so we don’t see him much. I’m curious if eventually someone that they know will read my blog and then point it out to all of their friends. That could be fun.

Mike: Any tips for grooms on how to get along with the future father-in-law?

Ken: I’m sure everyone is different. The main thing is that fathers want to see evidence that any future son-in-law cares deeply for their daughter. My future son-in-law passed on some lucrative job opportunities so that he could be close to my daughter during their courting. That said a lot about his commitment to the relationship. He even took up smoking cigars with me, he’s got potential.

Mike: Give me some brief bio stuff: Age, Location, When's the big date?

Ken: I am 50+ with the same wife for 32 years. We live just outside D.C. in northern Virginia. I’ve taken ADD and turned it into an art form. I work a day job as a government contractor and in my spare time I am working on two different book projects, started my Father of the Bride Blog with its planned book, act as a background plain clothes detective on HBO’s The Wire (Season 4) and am playing a police chief in a film just starting to shoot, “The Cult of the Sea King,” and am the Travel Correspondent for Cigar Magazine. My daughter will be getting married in October this year in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Free Wedding Checklist

Ken York — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:03:00 GMT

The attached free Wedding Checklist file is a general Wedding Checklist in Microsoft Excel Format. It’s made up of several checklists that I have found. I’ve put right up front a ‘Critical First Items’ section, so that if you don’t get any other items done, ensure you get these items done (and as far in advance as possible). The wedding checklist is oriented towards the whole wedding event, not just the Father of the Bride. If it were, it would have many more items such as: Whiskey flask, spare whiskey flask, cigars, etc.

Also in the checklist is a ‘Point of Contact’ section for you to write down critical contact information. You should fill in the ‘Last Coordination Date’ selecting a weekday a couple of days before the wedding in order to do one last check with the individual/service provider to make sure they are ready for your wedding.

I have tried to be as thorough as I could be on creating this checklist, but I know someone out there will think of something else that should be included. Let me know and I’ll get it into the list.

Cigars and Weddings

Ken York — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 21:05:00 GMT

Cigars and Weddings

Cigars are often an excellent addition to weddings. I take that back—maybe not during the actual wedding, but they’re definitely fun for the reception. Going on the concept that your reception is some place that allows smoking and on top of that cigar smoking, plus is well ventilated or outdoors (except in California where they have even banned smoking outdoors), then you can have some excellent fun adding cigars to the reception. Plus this a great way to re-establish your manhood in this process.

Cigars denote celebration and prestige. For your reception you have a couple of choices: bring in some boxes of cigars for all to enjoy or hire a cigar roller. If you’re going the box route, select cigars that are hand-rolled and noted for quality. Stay away from anything available in your local supermarket or that has ‘Happy Wedding’ printed on it. Although these are smokeable they’re not very enjoyable. Go to your local cigar store and tell them you want a box(s) of cigars for your wedding. I suggest something in the mild-to-medium strength level and around a Robusto size. Robusto cigars are about 5 inches long and a 50 ring gauge (about ¾ inch) in diameter. They take about a half hour to smoke. If you don’t have a cigar store in your area, go to www.cigar.com and talk to one of their representatives, they will fix you up properly. If you go with any of the big cigar names, such as Fuentes, Padron, or Monte Cristo, I guarantee you no one will make fun of your selection. You may want to stick to brands distributed by General Cigars (www.cigarworld.com). These are excellent cigars and they restrict exorbitant mark-up by their retailers. Expect to pay around $80-120 for a box of good cigars, which will hold 20 to 25 cigars.

At my daughter’s wedding in October, we’ll have a cigar roller (and Mariachi band) at the reception. I enjoy a freshly rolled cigar as much as a well-aged cigar, but they are different. Most all of the cigars you buy in a cigar store are aged somewhere between one to three months. A freshly rolled cigar is a unique combination of multiple tobacco leaves in varying states of humidity. The wrapper has to be moist to prevent tearing when going around the filler and binder. So, when you smoke a freshly rolled cigar, the aromas and flavors from the three types of tobaccos (filler, binder, and wrapper) are combining in your mouth. I love this combination.

Booking a Cigar Rolling Event
CF Dominicana out of New York City is available through www.cigarcatering.com. They provide a cigar roller for two hours who will roll 50 cigars during that time. If it is a special event, they will also include custom-designed cigar labels. The basic price is $975 and is available in most metropolitan areas. Contact information is at www.CigarCatering.com or 888.467.8400.

Boston Cigars Marcia Weaver is available for $250 per event with a $5.00 charge per cigar rolled. Custom labels are complimentary. Transportation over a two hour radius from Boston is extra. Marcia can be contacted through cigfactory@aol.com, or 617.429.1169.

Havana Dreams Cigar Factory out of the Tampa, Florida area has quite a few cigar rolling event packages available ranging from $600 to $1,750. You can find out more about their events by visiting www.havanadreamscigar.com/shows.html or calling 866.218.1717.

Destination Weddings--A Great Alternative

Ken York — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 18:13:00 GMT

Which location would you rather have your daughter’s wedding at?

Destination Weddings--A Great Alternative

You should be involved with your daughter and wife from the earliest stages identifying where the wedding and reception will be held. These will determine the majority of your costs, so it is critical that you participate. Otherwise just shut up and write checks. When my wife, daughter, and maid of honor met for their initial talk of where the wedding would occur, they did it at an afternoon tea. Something I equate with shoving burning coals into my eyes, so I didn’t go. However, if I had, I am sure that I could have swayed the initial conversation and decisions and avoided a costly side trip to Greece.

After that initial meeting my wife relayed that our daughter wanted to do a destination wedding—on the Mediterranean. Her idea was to rent a couple of Greek villas for a week and everyone could come over for a week-long party. Villa rentals are not too expensive in Greece, but they ain’t cheap. I suggested Mexico, but was turned down by my wife and daughter. We talked with our daughter and determined two primary islands that she thought would be ideal. My wife and I went on a site-survey trip to Greece over a four-day weekend. We found out that to fly to a specific island in Greece took us about 18 hours to fly there with the plane changes and waiting in airports. This ended up being the deciding factor in determining that Greece was just too far away to be practical, no matter how long people were staying. Even if you plan on an extended stay, not everyone can dedicate a week to a party. We ended up instead going for Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Of course this little side trip to demonstrate that Greece wasn't practical cost me $3,000.

In our area, the Northern Virginia/D.C. area, renting the local hotel for a reception is about as expensive as renting a monster villa with staff that sleeps 30 in Mexico (http://www.pvprop.com/rentals.htm). To me it was a no brainer. However, unless you have a lot of relatives in Mexico, the wedding will involve a significant amount of travel and its related costs. For the nine percent of the brides who went for a destination wedding this last year, their cost for their reception was 41 percent less than the average. If you select an all-inclusive resort, then you will know ahead of time exactly what everything will cost you.

Even though the Cancun area is closer to us, the time of the year that our daughter is planning her wedding is hurricane season. Hurricanes can be a real downer during a wedding, so we switched coasts to avoid the probability of bad weather. Also, this was the end of the off-season for Puerto Vallarta, so prices are lower. This also means less people competing for a limited number of assets and therefore better prices. If you are doing a destination wedding you should check out the weather history for that location for the planned dates. This can be done through the Weather Channel (www.weather.com) or through a Google search on the location’s name plus climate. Also, once you decide on a wedding location, you should go visit it before the wedding. You need to know the lay of the land to plot out the reception tables and to identify which room is the farthest away from the sound system to put Aunt Matilda in. You really don't want to wait until the wedding to find out the reason the website photos looked so go was that they were taken 30 years ago, the last time the building was renovated.

When you think of alternative venues for the wedding site, you should even consider alternative centuries. No, I’m not suggesting that you have your daughter put off her wedding until you can afford it and then present her with a spreadsheet that shows that you should be able to afford her ideal wedding by the year 2125. Instead, go back in time. Renaissance festivals are popular in many areas and the one closest to us, the Maryland Renaissance Festival, even has a chapel on the grounds that they rent for $100 (http://www.rennfest.com/renaissance-festival-weddings.shtml). The couple (and guests if you want) dress in period costumes (which can be rented for the day). Period musicians are available for an additional fee. The reception may be a bit cheesy with everyone gnawing on smoked turkey wings and swilling goblets of beer, but it will be memorable.

Wedding Day Etiquette for the Father of the Bride

Ken York — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 13:14:00 GMT

For the actual wedding day there are several things you should plan to accomplish. Your goal is to remain calm and direct the troops as they are going ashore at Normandy—D-day is here. A friend of mine, Brigette Polmar, offered several excellent suggestions that I have taken to heart and intend to accomplish on my daughter’s wedding day. Here they are only slightly altered.

1. Father of the Bride, buy the Mother of the Bride a gift and give it to her privately the day of the wedding. Jewelry is preferable, but isn't it always? Although "Here" may be our standard presentation speech, it won't suffice in this case. Deliver the gift along with some kind words of thanks for raising a wonderful daughter or a sweet memory of your own wedding day.

2. At weddings everyone wants to help, but few know what to do. This, unfortunately, can lead to a gaggle of people (usually women and children) to form a "what can I do for you" circle around the poor bride, drowning her in requests and pleadings. This is where you can be particularly helpful. Work with the maid of honor or wedding planner to set up a protective barrier around the bride (something the bride should know nothing about). Dad, head off those well-meaning friends and family at the pass. Be armed with a list of little duties. You may want to say something like "Sally is so glad that you're here and so am I. It means the world to us on this exciting day. Do you think you could make sure there are three candles on each table? I just haven't had the time and I don't want to bother Sally with that. Could I just put you in charge of that?" This works well with children who are drawn to brides like Cindarella at Disney World. Once they've completed a task, they tire of the exercise and go play by themselves. Some other send them away tasks:

"Hey, Bob, I don't think Sally can talk right now, but I really need someone to watch the gift table and card basket. We wouldn't want anything walking off and it would really take a lot off my mind if you could be in charge of that."

"Hey, Billy, a lot of the younger kids may not understand how important this big day is and may get a little bored. You're a big kid. Could you help keep them busy? I think the little girls really like ring-around-the-rosie."

3. Your daughter may not realize it, but her walk down the aisle as a bride may be the last steps she takes with your last name. Find a moment or write a simple note to tell her how she carried your family name with grace and charm and made you proud. Thank her for being the wonderful woman she is and tell her how lucky her new family is to have her carry their name.

4. Often that special moment between father and daughter is missed in the flurry of wedding day activity. If you insist on nothing else - and you should insist on very little - insist that you get that 60 seconds for a special word or two or at least a long hug - one-on-one - father-to-daughter. (P.S. Even if you don't believe your relationship with your daughter is close, have the moment anyway. That moment will grow in value as the years go by. And you only get one shot!)

5. No matter how much you can't stand him, on the day of the wedding (or at any wedding event) don't speak an ill word about your soon-to-be son-in-law. It will only backfire on you. A simple dodge: "We're just so happy that Sally is happy today."

6. Don't ask your daughter to have a wedding just like another sibling's. In fact, don't draw any parallels between your children’s weddings. Just like them, each one is unique and special. There are no cookie cutter kids and you shouldn't expect cookie cutter weddings.

7. Don't wing it at the father/daughter dance. Lead your daughter - it's your last chance. If you can’t dance, take lessons, surprise your wife and daughter. And have something to say. It's hard to come up with something touching when everyone is looking at you and your counting out the waltz. Try something schmaltzy like: "This reminds me of dancing with the other most beautiful woman in the world, you're mother." Or "This moment is more than I could have asked for. You have made me so proud today." Or "He's a lucky guy, but you'll always be my little girl and I can't imagine loving you any more than I do right at this moment."

8. The spotlight may be on your little girl, but don't forget you're the master of ceremonies. These are your friends and family, too. Weddings are chaotic. Work with the wedding planner or maid of honor to make sure you're helping to lead the night from one special moment to the next.

I want to thank Brigette for her excellent suggestions for the Father of the Bride. If you have any suggestions/tips, please send them in.

Who is Ken York?

Ken York — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 19:27:00 GMT

For those of you that are wondering who I am and why I've created this blog I wanted to give you some pertinent info. I'm old--my wife and I just celebrated our 32nd anniversary. We have four children (3 boys and a girl) ranging from 30 to 20 years old. I have been a research analyst and author for about my whole life. I'm

ex-military (Air Force and Army) who survived the Vietnam War, invasion of Grenada, Philippines Revolution, and one kidnapping attempt in Thailand. I am the Travel Correspondent for Cigar Magazine and play a plain clothes detective (background actor) on HBO's The Wire (Season 4).

When my daughter informed me that she wanted to get married, I was amazed at the lack of information for the Father of the Bride. Here was an event that I am investing more money in that my first house and first new car combined and there is virtually no information other than 'Write checks and be supportive.' This is wrong, so I'm chronicling my path through this mine field (including the missteps) with the hopes that it helps someone else. Hopefully by the time my daughter's wedding occurs in October 2006 I will have succeeded in compiling enough tips to create an e-book.

Securing the best discounts for your daughter's wedding - bridal gown,

Ken York — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 13:09:00 GMT

Do your homework early on and you’ll be much better prepared to help your daughter in here wedding preparation. Track down the caterers, bridal shops, photographers, etcetera in your area and start asking for prices and if they have the date open. If your area has an outlet mall in the area check to see if they have a bridal outlet. Fortunately for me, the Mother of the Bride dress that my wife ordered no longer came in the color she wanted, so on a trip through North Carolina we stopped at the Carolina Bridal World (http://www.carolinabridalworld.com), which has dresses as low as $99, which happened to be the one my wife snagged. So, we went from the official Mother of the Bride dress starting at $1,000, to a custom order of $400, to an off the rack discontinued version for $99. Also, one of the benefits of this type of store is that you can walk right in the down and get help. Most bridal shops want to only work on the appointment system, which is part of their mysticism that allows them to charge higher prices.

Filene’s Basement (http://www.filenesbasement.com/) has annual bridal gown sales, often referred to as the ‘Running of the Brides.’ Gowns up to $9,000 end up going for $700 and less. However, this is not an event for the faint of heart or men. Your daughter should go with a team to help find dresses and pass them to her for trying on. Knives have been pulled at this event and I suggest you go on a business trip to Chicago on the day of the sale. There are tips on the website on how to have a successful bridal gown shopping effort. They also have this sale on different days for different locations. You may want to send your daughter’s team to a tune-up fight in a different city before the main event.

Building Your Wedding Strategy

Ken York — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 19:07:00 GMT

When you little daughter comes to you telling you that she wants to get married, you should congratulate and tell her that you want to help. She will be suspicious, but it is hard to turn down a volunteer. Traditionally the largest cost of the wedding will be the reception. This should be your focus. Tell you daughter that you want to help find some sites. Depending on how much advance notice that you have, you selection of sites may already be restricted. Remember there are 2.3 million couples getting married every year and there are only 52 weekends in a year for the wedding to take place. This translates into many of the best filling up fast. Be creative, look at other avenues beyond the local Marriott. In the Northern Virginia area there are a number of parks available and historic houses (private and public). You can even get married at many national monuments or museums. Think of your daughter and her loves. If you don’t know what she likes, maybe you should just go back to signing checks and being supportive. This is a chance for you to be creative. I’ve found Google to be one of my best sources of creative ideas. Enter in “wedding site” and your local area code. This will lead you to a number of sites in the area. Then look at “wedding reception.” Mix terms up and don’t stop until you can count at least three sites where you say I never would have thought of there. Sure you can rent the VFW hall above the bar for a reasonable price, but is it where your daughter really wants to get married. Check with your daughter’s fiancé, see if his family is willing to come to your area for the wedding. To get my future son-in-law’s family to come from New York to Puerto Vallarta, you would have thought we had suggested Mogadishu, Somalia. Basically, they offered West Manhattan as an alternative site.

If you go for a destination wedding, many locations are much more inexpensive than the United States to get married. If you pick an all-inclusive resort, which many are now catering to wedding parties, you will know exactly what it will cost. Or, if you opt for the guests to pay for their stay, then your cost is all but eliminated. In our situation I rented two fabulous villas for five days in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. They came with staff, so the cooking, cleaning and catering were basically incorporated. We’re putting up overflow in the neighboring hotel. I will be tipping a lot more people, but what the hell. Take a look at the Villa Mia and the Casa Gran Dia at http://www.pvprop.com/rentals.htm. They were not cheap, but this way I was able to create a family reunion at the same time with a five day party, compared to spending as much on a one-day event. If this is something you’re thinking about, remember the marriage laws are often different in other countries.

More on Wedding Costs

Ken York — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 13:40:00 GMT

Very early on in the planning, take the list of expense categories (dress, reception, flowers, etc.). Go to your daughter and wife and have them prioritize each item. If the most important item is the reception, then they need to realize that you may have to cut elsewhere to be able to afford it. It is estimated that weddings in the United States for 2006 will be a 60 billion dollar annual industry with 2.3 million weddings with an average wedding cost of $26,800 according to the Wedding Report.

The Father of the Bride will spend more money on his daughter's wedding than any other single one-day event in his life. You need advice. Following is a breakout of who generally pays for what—by both traditional and modern standards. The bride’s family generally pays for everything expensive in both models. If money is an issue then you need to identify what money you have available and then prioritize from there. One more recent trend that has occurred is that many times the groom’s family is willing to pick up additional cost. Also, if your daughter is a fully functional adult, she can help contribute to the cost. Splitting the cost of the reception with the groom’s family where one pays for the food and one pays for the beverages is not unreasonable. Suck it up and talk to them if that’s what you need to do. Also, just because you can afford your part of the wedding, don’t automatically assume that the other parents can also.

Who Pays for What

Traditional

Modern

The Bride

Groom's wedding ring
Gifts for the groom and bridal Party.
Chocolates, wedding favors

The Groom

Bride's wedding ring.
A wedding gift for the bride.
Gifts for the best man and groomsmen.
Tuxedo/Suit hire for himself
Bride's & bridesmaid's bouquets, the corsages & boutonnieres.
Clergy & ceremony fees
The honeymoon

The Bride's Family

Newspaper announcement
The Reception
Bridal Gown & accessories
A wedding gift for the bride and groom.
Wedding invitations
Ceremony & reception flowers
Photographer
Wedding cake

The Groom's Family

Wedding gift for the bride and groom.
Any general expenses they may wish to contribute.

The Wedding Party

Bride's maids dresses
Bachelorette party given by maid of honor or bridesmaids
Bachelors Party night given by best man or groomsmen

The Bride and Groom

Gifts of appreciation for those who helped with your wedding.

The Bride and Groom

Bride and Groom's wedding ring
Gifts for the bridal attendants.
Gifts for the best man and groomsmen.
Suit hire for the groom
Bride's & bridesmaid's bouquets, the corsages & boutonnieres.
Celebrant & ceremony fees
Wedding invitations
Photographer
Wedding cake
Gifts of appreciation
Wedding cars/limousines
Chocolates, wedding favors
Bridal Gown & accessories
The honeymoon

The Bride's Family

Newspaper announcement
The Reception Venue and Food
Ceremony & Reception flowers

The Groom's Family

Wedding gift for the bride and groom.
The Reception Beverages
Any general expenses they may wish to contribute.

The Wedding Party

Bride’s maids dresses, shoes etc
Groomsmen’s Suits, shoes etc
Bachelorette party given by maid of honor or bridesmaids
Bachelors Party night given by best man or groomsmen

The people in the wedding industry are professionals who make a very comfortable living off of this industry. You are the mark. You walk through their door proud of your daughter and wanting to make your daughter’s wedding day special. They do too. They see every wedding day as a pay day. This is okay, but you don’t want to lose your shirt in the process.

So, if the average cost of a wedding in the United States is $26,800, then that means for every person going to a justice of the peace for a civil wedding, there is another couple spending $52,000. If you live in a major metropolitan area, the cost goes up. I live in the Washington, D.C. area and our average costs are $39,400. Guess where the vast majority of that money is coming from? Yes, you got it in one, the father of the bride.

On top of everything else, inflation is hitting the wedding industry at a rapid pace. The cost of wedding rings has risen 39 percent over the last six years to an average of $4,146, while photographers have gone up over 100 percent to $2,570. If your daughter is doing a destination wedding as mine did, the cost of fuel is driving transportation costs through the roof. However, for the nine percent of the brides who went for a destination wedding, their cost for their reception was 41 percent less. This is all about making some wise decisions early on, so that you don’t spend beyond your means, making your daughter’s special day a painful memory for you.

To find out what an average wedding will cost in your area, go to www.costofwedding.com, pour yourself a stiff drink, enter your zip code and spin the wheel. In the Wedding Report survey for those couples who created a budget for their weddings, the average budget was $19,000. Believe me, no matter how well you budget, you will have items that exceed your budgeted amounts and you will have unexpected costs. As a for instance, I expected my daughter’s wedding dress to cost around $1,000 to $1,500. What I didn’t realize is that there is actually a mother-of-the-bride dress selection in bridal boutiques that start at $1,000. When my wife explained how she had saved me so much money by selecting a bridesmaid dress instead at $400, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Remember, it’s the wedding industry professionals who set the costs on wedding goods and services. Despite my wife being proud of her savings, it was savings relative to an artificially set standard, not a savings compared to her normal dress shopping costs.

Wedding Costs

Ken York — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 15:05:00 GMT

What’s it going to cost me?

That is the question that is first asked more often than any other when a father finds out that his princess wants to get married. He may not say it out loud, but it stays at the forefront of his mind from that first notification until the last bill is paid. Daughters and wives are thinking of how wonderful the day will be and immediately start to mentally review every wedding article, magazine, book, television show and conversation that they have ever had concerning weddings. You, on the other hand, probably only have a vague memory of your wedding day. Face it, most guys aren’t thinking of the table settings or caterer; we had other things on our mind.

So, what will the wedding cost me? More than you want it to, that’s for sure. How can I mitigate or limit the cost? This you can do by developing a strategy and budget early on in the planning process. If you plan to just write checks until you hit some magical number in your head—don’t. Down this path lies destruction.

You need to develop a wedding day strategy. Figure out who your friends, allies, courtiers, and enemies are, and treat them according to the role they play. BeautiControl, a direct sales cosmetic firm, cleverly named their top package of cosmetics and services the “I Deserve It All” package. For daughters, wives, future in-laws and others, they often take this mantra serious enough to convince many a poor father to take out a second mortgage. Unfortunately there are no hard and fast rules as to which category the people associated with your daughter’s wedding will fall into, but you need to do some mental categorizations.